Completely Biased

Some people wonder what the secret to a successful relationship is. There are a million people out there willing to offer up the advice that it’s compromise, love, that mystery soulmate factor, etc. Well here’s one more speculative piece of advice that you can add to your million that you’ve already heard.

No one is to blame. There is nothing you can do.
That’s right. Remember that. As we go through life, people have a natural tendency to do two things when things go wrong: figure out whose fault it is and figure out how to fix it. Though this might be absolutely brilliant in your career as a business analyst or consultant, it will be the downfall of your romantic life.

You see, today’s society teaches us that we have to face each problem by covering our own butts, trying to figure out who the scapegoat should be and then coming up with a pretty little packaged solution that hopefully makes the pesky problem go away. But in most organizations you have to heavily masquerade this mentality or it’ll do to the organization what it would do to any relationship: corrode.

I believe to make a successful couple you have to be able to accept that there might not be anyone to blame for a particular problem and that there might never be anything you can do about it. Like the thermostat wars. It’s no one’s fault that one person is too hot or too cold. Or like the difficult in-laws. It’s not your partner’s fault that they have a crazy relative, nor can your partner make that relative stop being crazy.

Now that you understand that part, let’s move onto a novel and somewhat underutilized mentality that might save many relationships.

Before blaming someone else, blame yourself. Before expecting someone else to solve something, solve it yourself.

Yes, this does mean that before you go bellowing out at your partner, perhaps you should think of whether or not you’re responsible for something that has happened. As hard as it is to believe, you are not a wimp or getting walked all over if you take the blame for your half of the problem. Though, it’s important to note, that it might be shocking for you to understand that you might have something to do with the problem.

Keep in mind that even if you have nothing to do with the problem, if it doesn’t matter whose fault it is and there is a way for you to solve it and prevent it from happening again, you can do it. And sometimes, though the concept sounds blasphemous, it’s ok for you to change if it’s not that big of a deal to you.

Of course, these solutions only work if both parties in a relationship are willing to try them out. Because if only one side is going to be gracious, the other one should just take a hike.

(Images courtesy of Catherine Jo Morgan - Art for Energy(tm))